So I sit here thinking about how the past intersects with the future and wonder what exactly the future will hold for me.

Sure I've made resolutions; but they are more then just mere resolutions.  They are life changes that need to take effect in my life if I am to get to the place where I want to be.

Thing is, I'm not always sure where I want to be in life. I know I want to be more then I am now; I want to be able to make money to help people. I want to be able to harness my creative urge and make it bankable; not only to support myself but to support a family I might have one day.

It's easy for me to slide past a goal I set; but that isn't something I want to keep doing.

Yet I don't want to beat myself up over past mistakes, but instead use it as a measure against what I do in the future. Don't beat myself up but don't forget what I've done...

There are so many things I want to do.  Instead of my creativity being stifled as I grow older, it seems to be leaping ahead of my ability to output it.

Not that my ability is great, mind you. It can be but I currently lack the discipline needed. 

To make resolutions there has to be more then a change on the outside; I have to change in the core center of my being.  I've been pondering this for a few months as I try to make myself a better man and make my life better.

I've started: I do things like pay my bills on time (gasp) and don't spend money on things I don't need (for the most part.)

Heck I'm even looking at fixing up my trailer like I want it to be..finally.

(When it is done it'll be a cool portable recording and editing studio with a multimedia hub. Cool eh?)

One thing I do know is that I can't change without God. There is no way I'd be able to do anything without Him. He gives me the will power I need when I have none of my own; he forgives me when I screw up in a spectacular fashion.

He helps me forgive myself, which is one thing I have have a hard time with.

God has helped me learn to appreciate who I am, not to feel like I have to be a clone of everyone else.  That my instincts might not jive with others (Especially in church) but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a bad person.

Do you know how long I lived wondering if my oddities were wrong?

God in all his incarnations is the driving force behind my life.  I can feel his gentle (And sometimes not so gentle) touch telling me I can become more then I am now; His view of me is as I will be, not as I am.

Man that is so awesome, the man I am now seems to struggle so much.  Yet he forgives and forgets, the misdeeds of myself flung away in to oblivion.

The talents I have I want to use to glorify God.  I don't want it to be fake or forced, I want whatever praises come his way to be a natural extension of the story or musical piece I am writing. Or the website I am building.  Or even myself as I interact with people.  I don't want to be fake in anything I do.  I've read to many forced and fake things to want to be as far away from it as possible.

Why be fake with such an awesomeness as God on your side?

As for my resolutions for the year, I have a few. I'll probably put them up here later today or tomorrow.  An outline for my next year, a plan for the next few years. Goals that will be set, and God willing, will be met.

My life is changing and I thank God I'm starting to become the man he knows I can be.