My brother, bless his heart, has a life he has always dreamed of having.

He was in a pretty loveless marriage for 10 years, until he finally decided to get a divorce.

Not something he took lightly; he fought to keep the marriage together for the last four years of it...believe me I was around for the most part.

His ex-wife moved to Cali with her parents and their kids in 2001.  I came home from a stint in Yellowstone national park that same year to help my brother through this. (I had planned on moving to Virginia, but scrapped that to be with my brother.)

About 2 weeks after that his ex wife came through Arizona and dropped the kids off; she was on her way to meet a guy she met on the 'net.

The next 3 and a half years of my life (Until about October of last year) I spent taking care of the kids and my brother.

Then he met someone off the 'net... Now he is remarried.  His 1st year anniversary just passed me by.

Now he has the good wife and the stable family life he has always wanted. He has a good job that supports his wife and his kids.  They are getting good grades and have many good friends where he moved.

He is so happy that he wants me to live his life too I think.

Thing is I don't want his life. I am so very happy for him, but the thought of working at one place for 30 years until retirement gives me the willies.  I would love to have a beautiful wife, children, and a bit more stability (I'm working on that) but egads, one job for 30 years!? 

Makes me work harder as a writer I tell you what.

I think God has blessed my brother immensely, but I had to tell him today that his life isn't my life.  He has begun the yearly 'I need to improve my little brother' thread; I just try to get through it knowing he is doing this because he loves me.  I do try to take his advice on things; I know that my life needs improving in areas.

But man, I feel so...down after it's over.  Like the things I've done in the last little bit mean nothing. 

I think about the last decade of my life:  Six of about the last ten years of my life have been involved with my brother and his family in some fashion.  I've been his baby sitter so much I've gained much knowledge on the rearing of kids.  I've been there through most of his first marriage; helping him through the very bad times. The times I have been away from that are mainly the two times I've worked in Yellowstone. I feel like I've spent most of my twenties helping my brother; this is the first opportunity in nearly a decade that I've had to live on my own and experience life.

I've lived on my own before but not since my nineteenth year of life.

Because of this I feel so young for my age.  My brother tells me I need to be a man; he's finally becoming one himself.  I'm glad you know? He has needed to step up to the plate and be the father to his kids.

However I'm not a father yet (Despite my experience at raising kids heh.)  I'm just starting to get a bit focused, plan a career, and finally start the life I stopped a long time ago.

I've had chances in the last six years but my family has always come first.   Now that they are gone (Moved away ;-)) I'm finally finding out who I really am.

It's weird not having anyone here in the house or to look after.  I guess after being away from my brother and his kids for a year it is finally starting to feel..normal. 

Now if my brother could stop giving me brotherly advice every time I speak with him..

heh..like that's gonna happen :-D

In everything I thank God, for God is good.