So I'm sitting here.. It's almost 3 am and I really should be sleeping. Alas I am not...

I picked a new theme that pretty much reflects my mood at this moment. Not sad really... just feeling like a bubble in the midst of a sea of humanity. Listening to a bit of Norah Jones and thinking about life.

I haven't been to church regularly in awhile. It started at my last (Long term) job where I worked on Sunday. Yet after I left there I fell in to a really, really deep depression. You think I would go back to church to help get rid of it? Well I never made it...until a few weeks ago.

There is one constant in my life and that is God.  I know the reality of God; I know the love of the almighty Creator. Beyond denominations and religious structure there is and always will be Jehovah, the great Creator of everything.

In this last and very bad bout of depression I didn't know what to do. I felt life crumbling around me like a once sturdy oak infected with a cancerous rot. It started a bit before my job at AFH ended so spectacularly and continued until about a week ago. I honestly just wanted to give up in life; it was all I could do to get out of bed and exist for a few hours a day. I even got another job for about month... but I ended up not being able to force myself to go in on one occasion... Instead of driving to work I burrowed in to my blankets and hide for three days.

The only thing I knew to do was to call out to God. I knew he was keeping me around despite my best efforts to fade in to the back ground, out of existence. I think I really started scaring those that knew me the best; but I didn't know what to do to make them stop worrying. I could say the words that I was fine, but that wasn't the reality of my life.

I kept calling out and praying, wishing that I could climb my way out of this blackness that had engulfed my life. I didn't feel normal; I felt emotionally out of control and unstable.

(Well emotionally unstable; I don't know if I'll ever be mentally stable )

Life was weird... I see the last couple of months in a sort of dark dreamlike daze. I know I existed but I'm not sure how..exactly. I clamped on to God like the survivor of a ship wreck clamps on to the sole remaining life boat.

Slowly I started to emerge out of this...valley. Life started to seep in to my existence again; I started looking for another job. I started to see people again and getting out of my trailer, blinking in to the light of day. My mind started to feel creative with story ideas and images started to flood an imagination that was no longer plagued by dark and brooding thoughts. I started thinking about the future again...

I feel somehow changed by this experience. Like much of the weight I carried before has been burnt off of me. God has used this, I think, to start molding me in to more of the person he wants me to be. I don't know if I ever considered suicide (I didn't) but there was a time where I just didn't want to exist.... not die exactly but not live either.

I want to start going back to church again. I did a few weeks back and received the obligatory "Hi my name is so and so, who might you be?" From people I knew (Thanks grandpa heh..) Yet I don't feel ready to go back again until I'm ready to commit to doing something...getting the rest of my life back on-line. I've always been pretty active in the churches I've attended (Willingly or not ) and I know I can't just sit back and be a pew warmer. I want to be able to give the attention whatever position in the church I will take the attention it deserves. (Some kids are already clamoring for me to go back to teaching Children's Church..but my heart is really in music and art/communications.) The people there care for me much and I know they prayed for me on a regular basis.

My church is small yet God is moving the people to great things... I want to be a part of it but I want my life to be free of some of the burdens still in existence. There is a new me emerging and I'm not quite sure what that person is like...

There is an intimacy with the Almighty that wasn't there before..which is interesting because I thought I had a pretty good relationship with him. Shows you how much I know I've learned that Footprints in the Sand isn't just a cool story, but a very factual account of what life can be like.

This experience has also helped me in my decision to move away from my family.  Give me about a month and I'll be living in the Tempe/Mesa/Gilbert area..somewhere.

I feel like a 30 year old child..but I'm learning to be the man God wants me to be.

Advice can be ignored, but when all else seems to be in darkness there is always the ray of light that is Jehovah.

I must thank my mom for helping me through this in the only way I think she knew how: Because of her my bills stayed paid and I didn't get kicked out of the park where I live.  I also want to thank all my friends that prayed for me, knowing there was something wrong. I know I didn't talk about it (much) but prayer can move, not just mountains, but the heart of women and men.

Some will read this and scoff, I know...as it always happens. I know there are those out there who need this, to know that there isn't always the darkness that surrounds you. When your world seems nothing grab hold to God's hand and don't let go.